8/17-8/22/10: New York to Idaho-Doug

With the sun falling, and having no luck in my shitty spot, I was contemplating nesting possibilities when a 4-door Toyota with Vermont plates recklessly pulled over on the narrow shoulder, and waved me on. When I said I was going toward Erie, he shockingly replied, “no problem”, told me to hurry up, and suddenly I knew I would make it on time to catch my brother and, barring any complications, his ride toward Idaho and Oregon.

Aim for Maine. Land in Oregon. I am the traveling sharpshooter.

Doug was tall, about my age, had long curly hair, familiar cheap monotone clothes, and judging by the large boxes of open food cans, laid out buffet-style, was traveling somewhere distant and gave an initial hippie impression. That generalization was woefully mistaken. Yet, he would prove to be a powerful reminder of our ingrained, unavoidable duality.

Doug had the rare combination of being supremely arrogant and at the same time pathetically awkward. Assessments aside, it quickly became obvious that Doug was brilliant and suffered from the stereotypical social deficiency that often comes along with it. He reminded me of someone genetically spliced from the DNA of a Slabber and Sheldon.

Doug was driving from Vermont across New York and on his way thru Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, and ultimately Montana investigating various places along the way that he described as “unspoiled” parks and nature preserves. I loved the coincidence, of course, especially uopn learning that one of the places he targeted was, literally, five-miles from my sister’s house in Ohio: my destination!

Nature, botany, and geology are Doug’s primary passions. He had methodically targeted unspoiled spots in nearly every part of the country, and meticulously planned, to the point of obsession, every detail to immerse himself in them. He raved about, and offered an impressive home-schooled seminar on, the geologic history of New York’s Adirondack Mountains, while mocking that I had been at their doorstep and not bothered to investigate "God’s Country." I made a mental note. While I am sometimes inclined to engage in obnoxious hyperbole Doug did not seem prone to exaggeration!

A Happy Reflection 

In an earlier life, Doug had been quite successful in New England real estate and made a great deal of money in another business venture. And had been miserable. We often finished each other’s sentences while exchanging personal anecdotes about learning how an external pursuit of “stuff” left us hollow inside. He ultimately sold everything, took an extended through Europe, and now lives much as The Friar and I do: he works when he needs to, but not to buy clothes, cars, or LED TV’s. He works to travel, often doing menial labor, and, as he told it, with much greater satisfaction. For him, work is not a practice in perpetual servitude or careerism: the jobs end once they’ve served their purpose and he recommences living life again.

We spent a great deal of time sharing stories and exchanging social philosophies while bemoaning the willingness of most folks to subjugate their lives to the implanted idea of “career”; to become an unquestioning cog in a decaying machine. I haven’t written much about that in a long time. But it’s still there and it was quite clear that Doug and I had a great deal in common, at least in this area. We’d made similar decisions after drawing similar conclusions. As we weaved thru western New York, I also heard the familiar, “I never pick up hitchers, but something told me to stop” which triggered a twinge of warm, faint nostalgia.

An Uncomfortable Reflection 

Doug’s other, and more significant trait, at least in this narrative, was his blunt and overwhelming disgust for people that seemed to stem from arrogance and contempt as well as a poorly concealed, deep seated sense of rejection. When we stopped for gas he seemed to actually go out of his way to be rude to nearly everyone he interacted with. It was embarrassing. I found myself shrugging as if to say, "I don't know what the fuck's wrong with him either!" His comments made it clear that he was either showing off or that he considered these people his inferior minions and wouldn’t suffer the effort of disseminating an unnecessary common courtesy! This extended beyond words; he was a prick driver as well!

He provided some insight into this as we approached Erie. Doug told of how he was ostracized and made a spectacle of as a child because, as he told it, he was “so much smarter” than everyone. He smugly told how, even as a youth, he could think several steps ahead of everyone else, even teachers, and use his intellect as a stealth weapon. In his eye, the battlefield is the mind. And he's Napoleon. From the passenger’s seat, there was a veiled, enraged, hurt child striving to show off and impress me with mental muscle. The closer to Erie we came, the more pathetic he seemed. I was also disturbed a bit. These insights were entirely too clear, and frighteningly familiar. Using intellect, ideas, and venomous words as weapons to reap vengeance? Hmmm....

Shortly before leaving New York, I offered Doug gas money to ease his airtight budget if he’d let me ride along to Sandusky or Toledo. My new plan (ha!) was to meet Michelle, who had offered to pick me up as far away as Erie or Cleveland, then coordinate with my brother from her place near Toledo. The closer I was to Toledo the better, Doug agreed, but said he was stopping for the night just past Erie, on I-90 at the Ohio Welcome Center, and I'd need to find a place to sleep.

Ohio 

No problem! I found a secluded spot for my bivy snuggled beneath some evergreens and we were back on I-90 toward Cleveland by 6:30 Wednesday morning. I was looking forward to both ending this little Massena-Ohio sprint, and a leisurely day touring northern Ohio’s natural wonders with Doug. Natural wonders in Ohio? Really? Little more than the Cuyahoga River's chemical blaze came to mind!

Yes, it really happened! 

The first stop was impressive, and something I would never expected to find in any city, let alone Cleveland. Rocky River Metropark is a beautiful, nearly undisturbed preserve IN Cleveland. Yes, CLEVELAND! Doug seemed impressed with Cuyahoga County, and gave Cleveland his thumbs up. I had to grudgingly agree, besides...it’s not like I was complimenting Columbus! Ick...

Rocky River Metropark, Cleveland

Cleveland

Through the morning and afternoon, I found myself hiking a wetland preserve near Sandusky, reading while Doug explored another preserve in the middle of nowhere, then exploring Marblehead Lighthouse and its adjacent state park. At each stop, he’d euphorically bound down the trails for extended, giddy hikes and return with tales of his intrepid Adventures in Botany! He had a love for and a bond with nature that I admired a great deal. This was his element, and he was quite likeable while he was in it...and as long as there were no people interfering!

Cedar Point

Lake Erie Near Sandusky, OH

Near Port Clinton, OH

A Troubling Reflection 

Throughout the day, we had inevitably talked politics and sociology. Doug’s worldview was an interesting ideological hybrid. Being from Vermont, he had traditional libertarian tendencies, but he also was quite progressive when it came to issues like energy and the environment. Economically he was Milton Friedman’s persistent wet dream. “To the right of Attila the Hun”, to steal a line. Socially, like many of us willfully loitering out on the fringes, he believed society to be on a downslide and saw sustainability, both individually and on-scale, as essential to survival.

However, what will stick with me forever was Doug's chilling, unwavering, and disturbingly reptilian lack of compassion. When it came to unemployment, social security, food stamps, health care, or anything to do with assisting the poor, he was convinced that caring for these “freeloaders” equated to growing an inoperable economic tumor that would consume us all. Doug’s platform: “Austerity Now! Austerity Tomorrow! Austerity Forever! Fuck Them!”

I tried to appeal to Doug’s sense of humanity and found none. He was ready to go to war to protect the endangered Flatulent Pink Flamingo, but when it came to his own species? Social Darwinism. No mercy. Natural Law. Economically, everyone was to be left to and at the mercy of “The Market.” Ultimately, I asked him if he thought we should just throw the poor, sick, and starving into the streets as they did in medieval London. “Absolutely!” Can’t keep up? Out of the gene pool!

Doug’s lack of basic compassion was reminiscent of my earlier conversations with various economic and social “anarchists” I’ve met over the last few of years, particularly in the Dakotas and Slab City. Admittedly, they also mirrored some views I entertained and tinkered with since ’08. Through conversations with some of my Teabagging friends, as well as reading some of their in-depth ideas, and watching the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill this summer, I’ve concluded that this brand of socioeconomics is, at best, inhumane and beneath civilized culture. At worst: an deluded rationalization for greed & cruelty; financial cannibalization and exploitation of the most vulnerable.

To make matters worse, I saw it coming. The backlash I predicted in December of '08 now has a name: Teabaggery. While he admirable despised the Alaskan Road Whore, Doug’s clever arguments and verbal gymnastics seemed to echo all the other austerity-driven propaganda and did little more than provide Teabaggery with clever nuance.

“Not My Problem” should be the emblazoned upon every Teabagger’s calling card; avoiding taxation in the name of “The Market” is all that matters. The Market is literally God. Is there nothing held higher? I asked, is there’s no higher ideal in this world than the ability to accumulate and hoard wealth, even at the expense of others? At that, he gave me his patented arrogant, amused look saying he hoped I understand that at this point in my life. Proudly, I firmly reject it.

Drawing on recent experiences, and particularly conversations with Brian over the summer about things like projection and cognitive dissonance, my bullshit detector was blaring, especially considering his story the night before. It seemed clear that Doug’s prime concern was less about social philosophy and politics and more about avenging himself as “the victim ostracized from the pack” only because he was “gifted.” There was entirely too much anger tainted with superiority and disdain to be just simple ideology.

Rant Alert 

Beyond him specifically, Doug provided yet another glimpse into the mindset of an alarming number of people. As I’ve said, I’ve seen them all over and have mentioned them periodically over the last two years. I’m no Rasmussen, but the anger is manifesting itself into something ugly. You need only to be aware of their pervasive dogma while listening to The Asshat King Glenn Beck, Rush, The Alaskan Road Whore, or any of the whackjob Teabaggery candidates like Sharon Angle or Christine O’Donnell. The fact the latter are legitimate candidates speaks volumes.



Doug’s clearly no anomaly; there are millions of Americans who are more than happy to throw whomever they define as a “freeloader” into the streets to starve in exchange for lower taxes. Never mind that the lower tax rates their avatars constantly bleat about won't apply to THEM!

Despite often clinging to their Bibles, they are perfectly comfortable in their “freeloader” judgment, along with any number of other designations with which they choose to label the “undesirables.” Meanwhile, rest assured they're not to be bothered being their brother's keeper, let alone anyone else!

They typically perpetrate all of this while clutching their crosses and wrapping themselves in the flag while arrogantly assuming the title of "patriot" and ridiculously belching out recycled, PBR-stenched phrases which include words like “tyranny” and “liberty”; all terms they couldn’t use in a sentence before they received their Teabag marching orders shortly following the election of The Socialist Antichrist.

Somehow, they equate freedom with gluttony and greed. Somehow they’re convinced that they know ANYTHING, about “tyranny!” Bloated, gun-crazed, redneck Americans moaning about “tyranny” is like Christians crying “oppression!” Fuck off. Listening to these arguments has convinced me that Teabaggery is the repositioned philosophy and legacy of Timothy McVeigh. He too championed Second Amendment remedies.

End Rant 


From this point forward, Doug was a resource. I kept the rest of our conversation away from political and social issues figuring that was the best way to keep the peace. I lied right there. It was a way to keep me in the car!

Late in the afternoon, I guided Michelle to a McDonald's in Port Clinton ending this little cannonball trip west. It had taken me 72-hours to get from Massena to Michelle.

As we sat waiting in the parking lot, I realized I had never given Doug the gas money I promised him. I concluded that the Karma Market and Natural Law conspired against him and chose not to provide. More to the point and to quote Deacon from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure: “He was a dick.” 

Doug

As we parted ways, we made the obligatory promises to stay in touch, but that was clearly not happening.

Ohio to Idaho 

There’s not much to tell about the next few days. I made an REI run and began processing the past couple of weeks before meeting up with Mike and helping him drive their version of the Oregon Trail.

The cross-country was uneventful, except for another rendezvous with the Iowa 80, and taking  joy watching Mike and Ally’s amazement thru the Rockies. Mike had never been beyond Iowa. I could literally see their faces light up with seeing places for the first time; places I now take for granted. It reminded me of my first trip west and how I was hypnotized. Its a different world out here; one where pictures and words just don’t suffice. They took a special liking to Wyoming and Utah, and I must confess: despite everything I have said about Utah, if I were leading my cult west I’d likely settle near the Wasatch, too! It’s disgustingly beautiful!

Wyoming

Near Laramie, WY

Utah

It was good getting to know Mike a bit more as we rode west along I-80 and, although Lynette and Dave were in the Antilles scuba diving, I was looking forward to stopping in Boise on the way back from Oregon for a reunion of sorts. My intention was to surprise them, and just have Mike and I show up. Unfortunately, I was unsure of their itinerary so shortly after we crossed from into Idaho I called to let her know we were around and that I hoped to see her at some point while we were in the Northwest.

To my shock, she almost immediately returned my call saying that she and Dave were in Salt Lake waiting for their connector to Boise! It seemed that we’d all be simultaneously converging on Boise in a couple of hours...

3/21/10: Monterey, CA-A Temporary Furlough

Sunday the 21^st started off well! Ray and I sat on our little dune, had a rather extravagant oatmeal breakfast, a few belts from my nearly empty little bottle of rum, and chatted around the distant perimeter of our metaphysical ideas.

Ray’s professed theological beliefs reminded me of my own. In many ways he appeared quite spiritual, yet wary of religion. But, with the “glad to be out of that van” and “get one more meal out of her” comments still top-of-mind, I remembered reading a few Facebook comments from people he’d met along the way--ones religious in nature. I wondered: was he again playing The Chameleon now, or had he maybe played them? The tricky thing about uncovering Chameleons in the wild is that you’re left deciding for yourself what their real colors are. I’d soon be left with no doubt whatsoever…

**Mini-Rant Alert**

Ray surprisingly asked my “opinion of George W. Bush” and his time in office. Eeeek! I offered that, rhetoric and mastery of the English language aside, I saw little distinction between he and Obama; that in my opinion, who’s in office means next to nothing. From what I’ve seen, tangibly, Obama had done very little differently than Bush--and NOTHING to repair the damage. The PATRIOT Act? Guantanamo? Wiretapping? Two preemptive, ineffective and economically debilitating wars? Bombing villages and killing civilians? Where dat change?

Beyond that, Insurance Reform was on this morning literally hours from becoming law. Yes, it’s Insurance Reform—MANDATING health insurance--not reforming access to health care. To call the legislated hand-over of millions of  NEW customers to insurance companies “Healthcare Reform” is an insult, not “nitpicking” or semantics. Words--they be important!

Ray offered no opinion of his own, and having embraced a new, happy separation from politics, I didn’t ask. But, he did say that he found my view cynical, apparently harboring “hope” within political institutions with a subtle implication that we should support our “leaders” and help them toward “change.” With unlimited corporate-campaign funding now legal & top of mind, and hearing Ray through a single and perpetual camel-shaped filter, I heard, “man cannot serve [both] God & Mammon.” Supporting a system whose primary concern, and sole entry fee, is wealth? Well, you get the idea. It didn't occur to me at the time, but I wonder: Who would Jesus of the Camel vote for? Or, would he abstain?  **ALL CLEAR**

It was a nice morning! I continued sorting out my intense aversion to Karen, and again admitted that I should have been able to coexist, allowing our paths to peacefully run parallel for awhile. Yet, until that point I mostly saw a woman hindering my obsessive Mission of Discovery. I again recognized that I failed to accept that Karen may have been part of this chapter’s tapestry. However, while I was willing to accept my role in this failure, I also began to recognize more clearly and acknowledge the actual cause and source: Ray. Specifically, his unwillingness to take control of a situation he himself created, leaving two hard-headed people with clashing agendas battling it out.

By early afternoon, the plan was to relax and enjoy the day while perhaps seeing a bit of Monterey. My phone needed juice, so we commenced packing and prepared for a quick trip to the nearby McDonald's where we’d hash out details over coffee. Suddenly, Ray began excitedly waving his hands screaming toward the nearby beach pull-in. By the way he carried on, I thought perhaps Jesus Himself had returned. It was a resurrection of sorts...but Jesus? No.

It was…

Wait for it…

Karen...

10/12-10/31/09: Filling Tanks and Adjusting Sails

Early-mid October saw a bizarre repeat of what happened after I returned home in '08, and almost to the day. Once the house-sitting was done, I almost immediately went into a funk; just as last year I had done the same after finishing my initial work with Jack. I didn't realize it until reading back through my journal and seeing that if I were to write that night I would scribble nearly the exact same words...exactly a year later! I've come to greatly enjoy these moments when I sincerely have no choice other than to laugh at myself. They seem to be on the rise!

As the intense, unpleasant scrutiny of myself, and others, continued. I began questioning people's ability and/or willingness to see things as they really are, and a tendency to apply their own "personal narratives" to the experiences in their lives, rather than letting truth be the compass: "See things as they are, not as you would like them to be" is such a simple concept, yet at the same time I know first-hand how difficult it is to adhere to; how easy it is to hide in and project our own interpretation from our own mind. Some believe it's impossible altogether to witness things accurately, saying, "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." (Anais Nin or the Talmud)

Many hippies have gleefully hoisted this distorted white flag and embraced the idea of relativism with the ridiculous declaration: "It's MY reality!" Rather than looking further inward to identify and purge their prejudices and what's skewing their perception of reality, they've taken the route of the helpless alcoholic who's decided that, since he's been told he's "diseased," he has no choice other than to drink every day. Hey! Rationalizing the absconding of responsibility works in "his reality," right?

In retrospect, this escapism was the first progressive red flag that has since been elevated to a genuine, open disdain for escapist rhetoric and how agenda always, eventually, hitches its wagon to an ideological/idealistic horse. Somehow, people have convinced these people that self-lobotomization is the answer; that whatever they choose to "believe" is in fact their reality; encouraging a legitimization of self-delusion by teaching egoistic, protective escapism rather than an unattached commitment to truth. It lends a false, transparent credibility to placing point-of-view above truth.

I have a quiet, short-fused, internally turbulent reaction to these hippies, although we often share paths! With that being said, ultimately the mirror had to be turned, and it was. I spent a good part of October and early November harshly questioning rather I inadvertently had skewed my perception of these experiences, and the ideas I pursued as a result. I ultimately found myself hyper-sensitive to hints that Chris or I were deluded. The answers I came up with, for myself at least, were quite quick, obvious and, for once, simple. But, they needed to be asked for my own sake.

**Rant Alert**
Through this patience-testing process, I kept hearing Andre's, "Words are important!" and subsequently noticed an increase in my intolerance for "mystic bullshit." Fancy rhetoric attempting to espouse or defend a "spiritual" idea, but failing miserably once the sentences are parsed; when the bullshit's shoveled to the side, there's often nothing left! It's a vacuum wrapped in verbosity!

It's like trying to debate that the sky is pink instead of blue. Relativists will say, "Sometimes it is! And, what if I'm colorblind? That's MY reality! Who are YOU to say?" My answer? Your internal defect, and unwillingness to acknowledge, address and compensate for it, does NOT change the language we've all agreed upon; the proper description of the general color of the sky is: FUCKING BLUE!

This is that asinine Every Kid Gets a Trophy at work, only now it's Every Kid Gets a Reality. "No Moonbeam, you're not "wrong!" You're NEVER wrong, and you NEVER lose... if you TRY! If you think the sky is fuchsia, it's fuchsia! That's your reality!"

I can't adequately express how that mentality pisses me off. But, let me to try to convey it to Moonbeam. "Hey Moonbeam, sometimes you ARE wrong, sometimes you REALLY DO LOSE; some people REALLY are flawed. See, this is the harsh law of Nature and it even applies to you, you spoiled pretentious fuck! As you can see on display all around you every day, we are neither created, nor treated, equally, and though it's plainly neither pleasant nor fair, no amount of politically correct voodoo-linguistics will change the REALITY of NATURE'S LAW. Progressives are the people who universally tout a special "love & appreciation" for nature, so for them to ignore Her most basic law? Well, the hypocrisies are astounding! Now, precious Moonbeam- tell your parents I said to smoke a joint then feel free to fuck off and quit wasting my time. Maybe I'll see you at Burning Man."

**End Rant** brought to you by Starbucks, proudly serving douchebags (and the rest of you) since 1971!


Once that process was undertaken, the funk lifted. I originally had come to the conclusion that the return home was likely a mistake; that I should have continued on toward California on foot before returning home. After purchasing ANOTHER phone to replace the one damaged sleeping outside at Wendie's, I had barely broke-even after the bus ticket, and was now forced to go into fund-raising mode to get back out there this winter.

I decided on a whim to re-list the injured Saturn on Craigslist, at a reduced price, to see if anyone with extra cash or mechanical aptitude would be interested in buying and fixing it themselves. I was quite surprised when the phone started to ring, and in a matter of a few days had sold it to a guy in Albuquerque.

To clarify, I was VERY up-front about the mechanical issues, which oddly had seemed to vanish when I started and drove it for the first time in six-months. I even offered to let him leave it in the parking lot until he could have it looked at, but he refused choosing instead to drive it 60-miles home.

I sold the car on the 17th. On the 20th I received a call letting me know that the entire transmission casing had dropped while he was out "driving it around". He wasn't upset, but did share that he estimated it would cost over $2,000 to have the tranny replaced. I reminded him that he knew the car was broken when he bought it, and that I HAD offered to let it sit here until it was able to be fixed, and he'd refused. I believe he was meekly fishing for a refund after realizing he had probably fucked himself by treating it as a fully-functioning vehicle without first having it looked at!

That...was not happening.

That...was why he got the car so cheap in the first place.

I...was even more thrilled to be rid of that car.

With the Saturn sold, I learned the same day that I was in-line for another week's house-sitting. Katie had to return to California, and was happy with the way things had gone in September. With that, I had just quadrupled my money in about in hour. This was quite a good Saturday, and the decision to return home suddenly looked quite astute. Laina and I drove to Albuquerque's REI then next day where I finally got the backpack I coveted. It was costly, but a good investment. Thanks to Lynette and Dave, I would never have to buy boots again, and now with this Osprey (Kermit?), I would never have to buy another backpack...or I could return it for a cheaper one if I was in a real fix. Call me the money masseuse.

The second week at Katie's was better than the first in most ways. The dogs remembered and welcomed me with open paws and I managed to get a good amount of writing done, most of it this time in my written journal, coming to a few hard-fought conclusions. After this summer, things had begun to feel less like recess; it appeared to me that my metaphorical "play time" had ended and things were likely to change.

In fact, it seemed they already were. Leslie and I had been in regular contact since I had returned, and we began to bounce around more ideas for the end of November, when she took her winter break at DePaul. I also chatted regularly with Chris, who was on his way from Seattle to Massachusetts to see his dad and setting Halloween-goal to get there hitching...via San Francisco. Following this was his bizarre trip to England to see another ex-girlfriend, and from there it was anyone's guess for both of us.

We lightly discussed Mexico and South America again, and then, to my surprise, Florida. The idea of taking Dave's suggestion temporarily took root, with the two of us concocting a grandiose plan to go to the Atlantic Coast of Florida and trying to find a "live-aboard" situation where we could work in exchange for becoming certified as scuba divers. Then, we could presumably march into Mexico like Cortes and find work as diving instructors! It's not as far-fetched as it may seem; apparently Dave had actually done the live-aboard part.

I ran the idea past Leslie, and for a few days, visions of the three of us invading Florida danced through my head... until I realized that it felt ALOT like the kayak idea. And, that I had really hated Florida when I lived there! Why was I returning again? To maybe learn scuba diving? Couldn't I get certified easier in, say...Albuquerque? Why, yes I could! No, I was looking for adventure to compensate for a lack of inspiration; a destination. Abort!

Leslie and Chris independently came to the same general conclusion for different reasons, and the conversation shifted from traveling to Florida to me possibly just traveling to Chicago for a visit, then perhaps the southwest if Leslie still wanted to come out n' play. Arizona & California's deserts appeal much more to me in the winter than Florida, believe it or not. Nothing was decided, however, and as Halloween came and went, I was no closer to knowing what the rest of the winter held than when I arrived. I just knew I was in the right place at the right time. Sometimes, that's all someone can ask.

10/31 A Political Evolution & Decision

Four years ago I could be considered a Democrat, and I still have a few of the same core beliefs, although I consider them more "populist" than "liberal", as vague as that term is. Health care, the "Justice" System; defining a person's worth as "Human Kapital" for example.

"Need a lawyer? NO MONEY???? f--- YOU! Off to jail!"

My views have gone 180 on guns. I was thrilled when I heard Ron Paul (I think) actually express why the 2nd Amendment's there, then watching the rest of the "conservatives" shout him down sealed the deal for me.

I believe the "tribute" system of income tax should be abolished if that "tax" money is going to be used to simply further enrich the economic elites and to invade nations who never attacked us... first in the name of "national security", then when no weapons threat is found, "spreading democracy." I'm not so sure it's Democracy they've been spreading... perhaps it's economic and social syphilis.

I'm one of the few Southwest Gringos of the opinion that the illegal immigrant "problem" we have is of our own doing. After 100 years of economic colonization in Latin America, and suppressing entire economies, why should we be surprised that these people are making their way here? I love hearing Rednecks bitch about Mexicans working on some fruit farm, then "sending their money home"... when we've been doing the same thing, on a corporate scale, for decades. What, Billy Bob, would YOU do if you were them?

Illegal Immigration IS a problem, and I'm surprised to not hear more about THEIR effect on this "mortgage meltdown". I spent parts of two years ('06- '08) helping a friend maintain repossessed houses in Denver, and business was booming! It seemed that 1 in 2 or 3 was immigrant- related. The mortgage companies would give loans to illegals that NEVER had any intention of paying beyond a month or two! Tell me, oh! free- market capitalists, whose fault is that? Do you expect those being handed the loans to police YOUR lending practices? HA!

Wait... we just handed them $700b... I guess so! Remember that term "Corporate Socialism" I lobbed your way back in July? I expect the pundits to begin paying royalties any day now!

Now, how does one reconcile social liberalism (populism) with the TRUE conservative ideals surrounding civil liberty? Don't think too long on that... there is no real answer. The "either/ or" dialectic; black and white choices take over.

No, thanks.

I simply don't believe in the presented, apparently accepted dialectic. That being the case, I think it's my duty to abstain.

MLK, Gandhi, and thus by extension Thoreau, are the three people I respect most and the three I use as examples most often, and it's not coincidence that King and Gandhi are the two individuals that accomplished, what I consider, the most significant "change" of the 20th century. Neither did it by quietly 'requesting' policy change because all three knew something very important: that quietly requesting "change" in the status quo wasn't enough- it took a significant portion of the populace to loudly, yet peacefully, demand it; making it known that they were NOT going to trust and wait for the system to "change itself". They would have been the Libertarians of their time: waiting for the gold- plated invitation to the ball... while those already there laughed at the notion!

Don't get me wrong, by no means are voting and protesting, in whatever way you choose, mutually exclusive. I take Thoreau's approach, and encourage others to do the same. Rather than trying to convince the world of my "righteousness" and drag them along, I do what I think is right and seek out those who feel the same. That mindset, and the willingness to walk alone, has helped me to realize that I am FAR from "walking alone." The vast majority of people that I met on my little "walkabout" obviously felt the same way, but were afraid to express it out of fear of being seen as "UN- American" or "nuts." Nuts because they see through the charade? Wow.

One of Thoreau's themes that Gandhi, and thus King, utilized was "withdrawing support"; Civil Disobedience. In other words, not just accepting what piecemeal they're handing you and saying "Thanks! More please?" By that rationale, King would have never marched, Rosa Parks would have moved to the back, and Gandhi would have never begun in South Africa. They would have just let Whitey "vote" and and "hoped" for the best. There are many ways to withdraw support, but the basic idea is that if you disagree with something, you don't perpetuate it by participating.
"Any fool can make a law, and any fool will follow it."

I believe we've "hoped for the best" and quietly accepted their offerings long enough. After the Republican's blatant disdain for American Constitutional Values, after watching Reid, Pelosi, and the rest of the "opposition party" operate for two years, THEN watching both parties "come together" to offer a massive bailout to Wall Street, I have no use for any of them if THIS was their example of bipartisanship, and believe that as long as this two- party farce remains, that Lenin was right: "Democracy only provides the illusion of choice. The real decisions are made in the smoke- filled back rooms." In that sense, seeing NO political party that represents my interests, and seeing the two primary parties as factions of the same, I choose to offer my support for: neither.

I no longer believe that 50-60% stay home due simply to apathy. They remain uninspired, and know that which faction they choose will make little, if any, difference at all. Considering this, it's abhorrent that we have third, fourth, and fifth parties out there that refuse to DEMAND that they are part of the discussion. But, that's a bit difficult with Corporate Media, isn't it?

As for that supposed "civic duty of voting", I reserve the right to vote if I choose to. I welcome criticism of this decision because it wasn't come to lightly, and it's something that SHOULD be publicly discussed. I'm obviously NOT the only one considering this, but when I hear that "duty" argument, which I have from innumerable directions, I think of American Idol and Dancing With the Stars. People caught up in meaningless, mindless entertainment and convincing themselves that the results matter. How many 13 year old girls treat the latest "Idol Heartthrob" in the same fashion some voters treat their demagogues? (And that's EXACTLY what they are.)

Obviously, I don't see any of the candidates as anything more than meat- puppets propped up to pacify the public with the illusion of choice. The campaigns have become "Extreme Reality TV." "Discourse" has degenerated to the laughable, where a VP candidate is chosen because she's "hot" and is presented as ignorant enough to "relate" to the ignorant masses. Degenerated to the point where neither candidate is willing to actually express ANYTHING beyond broad, pollyanic generalities, and Happy Talk for the future... because they DON'T HAVE TO. No one holds them accountable. How many times at ANY of the debates did an answer SCREAM for a follow- up???? Like American Idol however, "TV Time" is king. King because the politicos and TV execs assume that the masses don't have the attention span to pay attention to detail. All they need to do is drop the next Bill Ayers or Troopergate distraction bomb... and they're relieved of the need to answer ANY topical questions. Want the punditry to ask them? HA! They offer simple agenda- fed "commentary", then parade the campaign's "spin doctors" onto the screen to disseminate their particular brand of propaganda. It's all designed to engage the public in prefabricated, fallacious, meaningless dialectic. They just call it "narrative", with next to no resistance from that little aspect of a "democracy" that the founders thought was essential to its survival: the "free", vigilant press.

If you want to remain enthralled in this season of "Political Idol", hoping that your dreamy contestant wins, that's fine. I wont criticize you, and it IS the noble, some say even even responsible thing to do. My question is this: Where does TRUE responsibility lie? To party? System? Country? Or, your own personal beliefs as a sovereign human being: Principles? What if you were expected to choose urine- soup or feces- stew for dinner, and expected to be thankful for the privilege of choosing? Would you leave the table? Or would you try to decide what you're "hungry" for before eagerly digging in?

I personally don't see this election as changing anything, or even more significant, in the grand scope of things, than if Ruben or Carrie won, or if Emmit Smith can boogie. The country will continue on it's predetermined course...

If you think that independent- abstention is the "easy" route, you're mistaken. It was much easier to rely on the Liberal talking points to decide what I thought when I was an anti- Republican Democrat. It gets a bit more complicated when you're forced to evaluate what YOU think rather than what your adopted ideology tells you that you SHOULD, and when there are no symbolic "weather vanes" to look to for guidance. Not to mention the fact that the herd mentality is gone, and you cannot gain refuge in the fact that there are millions of others following the same ideological- messiah you are. No my friend, this is NOT the easy road for a person who actually CARES about what's happening... but, and take it for what it's worth... I think it's the ONLY road for that person. Even if it leads him back "home", it should be traveled.

It is important to be able to differentiate between "country" and "government", and avoid mistaking dissent and 'withdrawal of support' for something akin to "civic treason." I love my country, apparently more than most people. Enough to try to stay "involved" while not accepting that this "is as good as it gets", or that this is the acceptable moral peak of a just society. I believe in the idea of this country enough to step out onto the fringes... alone... to seek out SOMEONE who is capable of leading us there, rather than settling for the political Extra Value Meal.

The years since 9/11 have disturbed me enough to seek real solutions, rather than taking what I consider the easy way out: compromising for the sake of an easy, politically correct action and decision. It disturbs me to no end to see what's happening to America, and what's being done to it by this factional monopoly.

But, you know? It may surprise you to hear that I'm NOT a cynic!! I believe there is "hope". If I didn't, I wouldn't bother with things like this; conversations, discussion, and reassuring others that they are NOT diluted for feeling that they deserve better IS an important part of the process. The Internet hearkens back to the Salon Days... when people would get together, exposing themselves to different perspectives.

Being a responsible, involved, citizen/ patriot is more than punching the prearranged ballot, then hoisting your chin into the air because "you decided!" Sometimes being a true patriot (as opposed to Nationalist) is having the courage to stand the fuck up, sometimes even metaphorically, and shouting that there is something desperately WRONG. Then, being willing to do something about it... whatever it is that you are capable of.

A friend wrote:

But, the only thing [you] CAN shout from the sidelines is that the whole thing is a fraud. Because the minute he deals with specifics, he has engaged in the charade himself, making it relevant and important.

There are few things I'm absolutely sure of, but one of them is that I take my marching orders, or speaking cues from no one. I'll speak my mind, shout my opinions, and I will feel justified to do so, even if you believe otherwise. I haven't renounced my citizenship, and my First Amendment RIGHT is STILL just as legitimate as yours. Like it or not, I won't buy into that "love it or leave it" bullshit.

I understand that seemingly institutional mentality that wants to keep us confined within that little box, but I'll step outside of it when, where, and how I choose. Like it or not, I am voicing the frustrations of the majority, rather it's acceptable, tactically, to you or not. I suppose I could take the same stance, and tell you that your commentary should be confined to L/R dialectics and political tactics because you reject the theory that there's ANYTHING better possible... except through the hope that the establishment will deliver it... in time. Let me know how that works out for you.

That being said, the vast majority of us are ultimately on the same team, regardless of affiliations. Most liberals, conservatives... we all want what's best for the country. It's usually the party "loyalists" who descend into the gutter... lobbing "terrorist", and "Socialist" around, or dredging up the latest dirty quotes from their disinformation sites. I have no disrespect in my heart for those that disagree with me... as long as they are thinking for themselves.

I read a comment as to how, much like the aftermath of 9/11 and in the face of the financial meltdown, we were beginning to see each other as Americans rather than political opponents. I applaud that sentiment, and halfheartedly agree. People are beginning to see the "enemy" as the government and politicians themselves. No, not the those we see plastered on TV, or canvassing for the Chosen One... but "Genuine" Americans. (There, now fuck off Sarah.)

My challenge goes a bit further: Demand the leadership you deserve... rather than homogenized, rhetoric- filled, anesthetic that simply allows us to continue down the same path when it wears off. If you feel that voting "against" someone is the way to go... DO IT! If you believe that continuing to vote for the lesser of two evils is the solution... DO IT! Call me "elitist" if you like, I happen to believe that standing on principle MEANS something, if for no other reason than to offer yourself as an example to others.

10/31/08: 2008 Election-Voting Principle

Unless noted, the following posts have been copied from my posts on another site...

As most of you know, I spent the summer in an effort to see for myself what the America v. 2008 is, without ideological/ media filters.


Maybe some of my conservative/NeoCon friends can enlighten me: Why are those beneath the blanket of religion and Nationalism those that are the most frightened? Does fear lead them to that camp, OR are these fears stoked by "God N Government?" Why is it that the rednecks down south, reeking of the Michigan Rednecks I was raised with, are the ones who most commonly, and almost without exception, spew racial hatred, xenophobia, and Nationalist Rhetoric...while showing off their guns and quoting scripture? Why is it that those who constantly quote Limbaugh and Hannity are, without question, the most frightened? THEY are the ones who repeatedly warned me how "dangerous" my undertaking was, despite the fact that I NEVER was in any danger!


As for the NeoLiberal Hippies, perhaps you can tell me what exactly makes you think that resurrecting a long dead, failed ideology... complete with the same granola smelling costumes from the 1960's...is going to get you any closer to Collectivism than it did 40-years ago? Don't you realize that your "heroes" sold out long ago, when they discovered that they couldn't eat idealism? Sure, they're still espousing these ideals, but the joke's on you: They're SELLING them to you and making obscene profits! Whole Foods... "Organic" toothpaste... Hookah Bars... "Progressive" Politics. They're the same "capitalists" you claim to despise; and they're exploiting your starry- eyed ignorance by selling you their recycled shit!


As a true "Independent", there was a stunning realization while traveling from SoCal to Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, Colorado, and out to North Carolina: WE ARE the majority. Almost to a man, the people I talked with were utterly disgusted with both "parties". People are most definitely seeking "change", but Barack...don't kid yourself: Our idea of "real" change does NOT include you; you're simply the lesser of two evils...not saying much considering the competition! "Throw all their asses out" was the mantra I heard most, and this was well before the financial meltdown. People are hungry for something different; something genuine. If there were alternative parties that weren't so timid (Libertarians) or theocratic (Constitution), AND if there was a media that wasn't bought and paid for by the establishment, there would be a real opportunity.


I would support ANY candidate whose primary focus promised abolition of the Patriot Act. In my opinion, and take it for what it's worth, the Patriot Act and the expansion of government spying on American citizens is the primary issue of our times. Not terrorism...not gay marriage...not abortion... not Bill Ayers....not Troopergate...not even Iraq: it's Civil Liberties. The tactics used to erode OUR civil liberties are the same ones used throughout history: Convince them that they are under attack and co-opt that fear to stoke Nationalism by reinforcing the notion that their country's being "hijacked by evil." The "Islamification" of America. Obama's cajoling with "domestic terrorists." The details are never the same, but the tactics never change. Note the Nationalistic tone: "He doesn't view 'merica like you and I do". "... he thinks 'merica is imperfect unuff....". "He's a SOCIALIST!!!" Now, substitute "Jew" for "Terrorist" or "Socialist", and Palin sounds a bit like Hitler in her attacks of Obama.


Power, unchecked, leads to tyranny. "Tyranny" leads to the elimination of personal liberties; this was the main theme of the Founders. The Patriot Act, Signing Statements, Executive Orders, all in the name of National Security: Tyranny. It boggles my mind how easily people lose sight of this through fear, propaganda, jingoism, greed, and apathy. It's predictable however. The "Zoo Analogy" rings true: "People will choose the safety and security of the zoo over the freedom and responsibility of the jungle." Especially a fat, lazy, complacent...CONTENT...populace.


As for the possibility of another terrorist attack? I said this before and was shouted down, but I'll say it again. BRING IT ON. Some things are too important to be compromised. Nothing supersedes freedom. If the population is so apathetic (or simply pathetic) to abdicate their liberties to Big Brother's protection, then they deserve EXACTLY what they get. If people are too scared or too lazy or too scared to protect themselves ("responsibility" of freedom), then they deserve tyranny.


I believe that many among us have lost sight of a very simple distinction. The difference between "Country" and "Government." The political elite would like you to believe there is no difference; thus they can equate dissent with treason. However, many people MUCH smarter than you and I, and with fresh memories of tyrannical struggle have left us little notes stashed in the knotholes of history.

"Those who would sacrifice freedom for security..."

"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country from its government..."

"All men recognize the right of revolution..."


This distinction is important. Once made, free-thinking individuals, those who cannot be defined as "party loyalists", will conclude that the "traitors to their country" are NOT those who dissent, but are those who promulgate the Police State.


Using this as a fundamental foundation, to me the battle lines are clear; and in this case 'black and white' apply: If you're "with" the Patriot Act, you're "against" us.


That being said, I've decided not to vote.


Spare me the "then don't complain" crap. I'll continue to complain, loudly, no matter who you "choose". I've seen where lack of principle leads, and I can't simply vote "against McCain." A vote for EITHER of them is essentially support for the status quo. Had either of these clowns stood up against the bailout, on principle, I may have supported them. If either of them would have the courage to put their beliefs before politics, I would have considered it. 

And, Sarah fucking Palin???? SERIOUSLY??????


Unlike most people I'm NOT frightened by the impeding depression; I welcome it: I can adapt. Besides, it is inevitable. It's the restoration of balance. It seems that those that fear it the most are those who have profited from its cause. Right Skippy? I feel for those who have families, but a majority of Americans (WORKING class) have been struggling for a while now, and I believe are prepared. I hear of all these people who are losing money on their "investments", but call me weird: I don't know ANY of these people!!! Neither do most of those living in what I call 'real' America! (Hear that Sarah?? I used it FIRST!) What percentage of Americans have actually invested in the stock market??? That would explain the 100:1 calls AGAINST the bailout before it was passed. Real, working class Americans, IMO, are prepared for this. I'm frightened for those living in the gated houses on the hills, who are unable to adapt. The perceived predators could become the prey.


I only hope that the rest of the population gets pissed off enough to tell this binary two party system to go to Hell and demand real representation in their government. Despite the high- minded rhetoric, this isn't it.

8/14/08 Nashville: Kim

Kim and I decided to tour a bit of downtown Nashville and have a beer while we caught up. She knew of a quiet little bar off the main- drag, and it was one of the few bars left anywhere where you can still smoke while you drink your damn beer! What a privilege!I gave her the quick, encapsulated version of what happened with the job in Santa Fe, and touched lightly on how everything tied into what I have been doing since May. Then it was her turn.

Many people have commented to me personally, including Kim, about my conversation with Ciel back in Idaho, and the talk I had with Pat in San Luis Obispo. These, so far, were the two people that have had the greatest effect on me on this trip. Kim is a powerful combination of the two. While her story isn’t as ’tragic’ or ‘dramatic’ on a personal level as Ciel’s, it is perhaps more intense to me because of the combination of factors; factors that not only make a person feel for her but, if you’re empathetic, will take you on an express trip to White Rage. It did me.

Kim and I first met in 1994 as classmates at Specs Howard School of Broadcast Arts, in Detroit. We were VERY different people. She has always been the type who refused to follow the crowd or to fake an effort to fit in. She was not ostracized by any means; rather her own separate little entity, peacefully coexisting next to the herd. I was a bit the same although, since I was still firmly entrenched within Camp Budweiser, and in the embryonic stages of figuring out who I was, I had my little circle to which I played to feed my need of approval.

Kim adamantly chose not to, and had a quiet, humble self- assurance about her. You could just tell that she was one of the more ‘solid’ people you would meet, and considering where I was in my own life and where I‘d ultimately go, that GREATLY appealed to me. We became good friends much to the amazement of our other friends. They just could not understand it.

Kim also was, and is still, a remarkably talented voice. Between the two of us, we swept the major class- awards as “Best Newscaster” (Kim) and “Most Entertaining Air Personality” (me). She has the best pure- voice of anyone in our class, and I was certain that SHE was going to be the one who went on to do something in radio, if anyone. I mean, in a perfect world she SHOULD have. Life has a funny way of getting in the way of our grandiose plans and visions. Fair is a quaint, outdated concept--- like religion.

The last time we saw each other was in Detroit in 1995, after I had worked one of my last games at old Tiger Stadium. We met at a bar with friends then sat in her parking lot until sunrise, just chatting-- and again-- much to the amazement of her roommate!

We quickly lost touch, as often happens, especially before the Internet Infestation, and didn’t talk again for 11 years when, in 2006, she found me on a networking site. We chatted off and on, and did the ‘we should get together’ stuff, but never did. She had told me that she had had some health problems, been divorced, and indicated that things had been challenging, but never really elaborated until

Thursday night. I am not a doctor, so I am going to use very simple terms to describe what I understand them to be. She was born with her heart literally reversed, so that the blood flow through her body is opposite of most people. The doctors scheduled her for heart surgery at 20 months or 20 pounds, whichever came first, in order to correct the blood flow. Life after that was normal. She went through her childhood and early adulthood like the rest of us. She went to school, got married in August of 2000, and was living a relatively normal life.

However, in May of 2003 at the age of 30, she began to develop problems with blood clots in her entire right leg. A massive clot, from hip to ankle, hospitalized her in Intensive Care for about 10 days. After using blood thinners and catheters to clear the immediate danger, the doctors performed surgery to insert stents that, hopefully, would prevent future clotting. This happened literally FIVE days after she and her husband had moved from Nashville, TN to Lexington, KY. She had left her job in mid- April in anticipation of the move, and was now left with COBRA. The hospital’s financial coordinators gave Kim a good indication of what was to come when, upon discharge, they demanded she expedite the process of initiating COBRA, i.e. “PAY COBRA,” so that the hospital knew they were going to be paid. “Glad you’re alive. Pay us.”

She had hoped that the move to Lexington, closer to her husband’s family, would help her marriage, but the move began with her spending six- weeks recovering from surgery at her in- law’s home. During this time, she obviously could not work, and was struggling to pay COBRA’s premium.

Eventually Kim was added to her husband’s insurance, and thankfully, the group- policy could not deny new- additions due to pre- existing conditions. Kim eventually got back to work in Lexington, a 6-week temporary job as an assistant in a dental office, followed by a permanent position doing the same thing in another office. Pearson & Justice, DMD. The irony would be rich… She was with this DMD for nearly two- years, and had been there for 21 months when the next major hospitalization occurred.

All along, since the initial surgery, she had been experiencing nearly constant pain and swelling in the leg. In June of 2005, Kim’s sister had a heart attack and she flew back to Michigan from Lexington to be with her family. The night she arrived, she went directly to hospital to see her sister, and went on to her parent’s house for the night. She had been experiencing greatly intensified pain for the 2-3 hours before arriving at her parent’s house, but had attributed it to the traveling. After relaxing off her feet for a couple of hours and realizing the pain had not relented, she realized that she had trouble. She called her primary doctor in Lexington at about 10pm, and he told her to get to the ER immediately. Her parents put her in the car, and took her to the same hospital in which her sister, their daughter, was recovering from a heart attack.

The diagnosis was not good for her leg. The stents had failed within the first six- months, and the surgery had weakened and damaged her veins to the point where further procedures would not be an option. Bypassing an area that large was out of the question, and since the scar tissue from the last surgery compounded the clotting, operating again would only make the situation worse. As things stand now, the only treatment is maintenance; blood thinners. They also told her that if the circulation problems and clotting continue, amputation was, and still is, a real possibility.
At the time of the trip back to Michigan, she was employed nearly two- years with the dentist in Lexington, and insured. The procedure in Michigan was covered; however, she had a $1,000 deductible. Kim was treated at a metro- Detroit hospital, Oakwood in Dearborn who, the morning after her admittance, ordered to stay OFF her feet while she was in the hospital. The stay would ultimately last 10- days, but the next morning and even though they knew she was insured, the financial people informed her if she could not pony- up the $1,000 deductible, she would have to LEAVE immediately and seek treatment at another facility. A facility that would treat life- threatening conditions regardless of ability to pay, unlike Oakwood, apparently.
Human Kapital.

Let’s see if we understand this, shall we? One minute the doctors forbid you to WALK due to concerns that these clots could break free and find their way to your heart or lungs, and the next morning the same medical facility’s Ministers of Finance tell you to leave, DESPITE THE DOCTOR’S DIAGNOSIS, and simply due to FINANCIAL CONCERNS? Really? Where do we live? Still think ‘you’ are a priority, beyond that portfolio?

Kim and her mother of course challenged them on that point, but their response was that ‘maybe the other hospital would send an ambulance’ for her. Luckily, her mother was able to cover the deductible, but was on a fixed income being retired. How many of ‘us’ have $1,000 lying around? If you do, let me know and I will set up a Pay Pal account.

Remember Dr. ‘Justice’ and Friends?

This is a small office in Lexington that employs LESS than fifty people. The Family Medical Leave Act does NOT protect their employees. The FMLA protects your job if you are hospitalized long- term. It also provides maternity- leave time for husbands, and protects family members who need to provide care for terminally- ill family members, among other things.

Yeah, pure Socialism.

She was, according to their- own reviews and "ambiguous" other little things like promotions and regular- raises, an exemplary employee prior to this surgery. However, when her doctor refused to provide a conjecture- driven date for her return to work, they began to conjure up stories about fading productivity, a deteriorating attitude over time… blah blah blah... It reminded me of the feces I was force- fed when I was read the Terms of My Termination last year. Find that loophole, Skippy…

They terminated her. With the job went her insurance. This was her Rubicon, although unlike Caesar, she did not choose to cross— they threw her. In addition, it was NOT cliche' boogie men like Wal Mart, AT&T, Comcast, even Halliburton, doing the tossing. She was tossed by a LOCAL, small business who simply wanted to be rid of her health issues and felt no guilt or obligation to protect her access to insurance, nor her income.

Human Kapital.

Hey Hippies… Pay more to buy local? Why is that again?

My dealings with and conversations about these idealistic, local, "small businesses" have been as bad as with any corporate entity. The problem, as it pertains to dealing with the Human Kapital phenomenon, is NOT just fighting corporatism; it is fighting Predatory Capitalism in general and being particularly fierce with those that disguise themselves as some throwback to a ‘better America”. Many want to throw us back to the time before Organized Labor .

So again Hippies, fill in the blanks: F_ _ K Y_ _!!

But, back to Kim.

The doctors discharged her after 10- days, and Kim returned to Lexington toward the end of May. Dr. "Justice" and friends immediately terminated her, and her insurance was history by the end of June. Six weeks later, she and her husband separated and she would file for divorce toward the beginning of ’06. With no job and her marriage ending, Kim returned to Michigan, and its wasteland of a job- market, at the end of July.

Luckily, she had family to fall back on, but the condition with her leg makes sitting, standing, or walking for long periods impossible. She needed to work, but imagine trying to find a job and telling the HR- drone that you cannot sit, stand, or walk for 8- hours. What exactly are you going to do? They, in theory, created “Disability” for exactly this!

When we reconnected in May of 2006, she was living in Michigan and working for a bank doling out mortgages. The pain in her legs, coupled with (I like to think anyway) that she has a soul led her to quit the bank in January of 2007, in favor or a serving job at Red Robin in Brighton. Serving appeared to be the most physically- tolerable option. Sitting all day with her leg bent is the absolute worst.

From January ’07 until July, things were going pretty well. She was working full- time, had moved out of her family’s place to her own apartment and finally felt like her life had restarted. Her divorce had become final in October of ’06 and she was single again. Life was good, except for the fact that Red Robin’s insurance did not take effect for six- months, and getting COBRA from her time with the bank would have cost $400 a month. She was uninsured. Uninsurable. She had made dozens of calls to independent insurance companies trying to get coverage, but they ALL refused-REFUSED- to cover her at all because of her medical history.

Things were fine, but that peace was obviously fragile. It was broken in July, when the clotting issues resumed. She went to the ER to discover that she had a newly- formed clot, and two of the former obstructions had recurred. Again, not much they could do. They kept her in the hospital for about two days while they administered some intense blood- thinning medication that could lead to bleeding.She got rather lucky this time, because the University of Michigan Health Care System has a charity fund set up that was able to defer the cost of the latest hospitalization.

On August 1, she finally got coverage through Red Robin, but after being off work with no disability coverage, she actually had to pay Red Robin’s insurance premiums out of her OWN POCKET. Because she was off work, and there was no institutional protection, there was no 'check' from which to draw money. Try to figure that one out.

After a month recovering, she tried to go back to work with the same workload, 40+ hours a week, but it was physically impossible. This forced Kim to cut back to 25 hours a week, losing the income, but keeping the insurance.
The loss of income of course led to the loss of other things. She could no longer afford her apartment and was on the brink of eviction when she gave it up and moved in once again with her brother. She was unable to keep car payments up to date, and had to give up her vehicle.

Recap:
- * Loss of ½ of her income
- * Loss of home
- * Loss of car

All having NOTHING to do with laziness or a refusal to work. Exactly why, in theory, they created "Disability."

Kim had tried to avoid filing Disability despite the fact that she appeared, on the surface, to be a case study on who SHOULD get it. She told me that she had a difficult time accepting the fact that she is literally unable to work the hours that it would take to be on her own. Eventually, after a lot of wrangling and discussions with family, she relented and filed in September 2007. Of course, the State contested and denied the Disability claim. Twice. She is on her third appeal now. She was put through the process of having to list EVERY job she had EVER had in an effort to calculate how much TAX REVENUE she had provided the State so as to determine whether or not she was ‘qualified’ to receive Disability. It seems as though they are solely concerned with how much you have fed The Pig, rather than how ‘disabled’ you are. The first questions they ask pertain to your work history; not your health.

Human Kapital.

Ultimately, Kim may lose her right leg. There is nothing more that the doctors can do for her. Surgery will now do more harm than good. Like Ciel, and like the Kim I knew in 1994, she is amazingly positive, although she admits that she has fought bouts with depression. Even with health coverage through the most expensive procedures, she has accumulated in the neighborhood of $100,000 just in medical debt, which comes complete with calls from collection agencies. Not only that, but consider the lost income, which has led to an inability to provide a home for herself, and until recently a car. She also has her old apartment complex coming at her trying to collect for her breaking the lease.

Health problems? Fuck you. Pay me.

She is a very gifted writer and still a tremendous public- speaker, so a Tennessee health- advocacy organization approached Kim about becoming a spokesperson. I have tried my best to encourage her to that, and her fighting spirit is refreshing, but the fact that the 'system' would like to throw her away boils my blood. I cannot express how much anger I was feeling while Kim was recounting her story at that bar, then again when I essentially interviewed her over the weekend. It was the kind of anger where even I was at a loss for words, which if you have read enough of these, you KNOW is nearly impossible; I have had suffcient time to recover.


*** RAND ADVISORY*** (Not Quite a Full Rant)

Still wonder if I’m just paranoid? Remember the phrase “Human Kapital.” This is YOUR system at its finest: Humanity with a Price Tag. Your WORTH as a dignified human being IS in direct correlation to the numbers on that pay- stub, right next to the word ’tax’.

However, what if you are 35 years- old and cannot work 50- hours a week?
Should we be content to be treated as a "peasant- class" while living in the richest country the world has ever known? Compliant while they presume to define us as the “Plebs of New Rome?” Passive while the economic, political, and social elite happily throw us to the streets to fight for the rats? What is our crime? Simply losing the ability to generate their wealth through our labor?

The poor and powerless have LONG since known the score, and the rules of the game. The difference is that today, the system is creating a greater number of plebeians. The "proletariat" is growing, and injustice is beginning to spread far beyond Blacks in the projects; Mexicans in the barrios… it is coming to your neighborhoods. Noticing the foreclosure signs multiplying in your neighborhoods? Rest assured, before long it will come to YOUR family too. God help you if it's you yourself.

The poor and powerless have long since known the score, and the rules of the game: Step into the “justice” system; do it with NO money. Try suing to get what is rightfully yours after you have been “loop- holed. “ No money for the lawyer? Fuck you! Don’t have the money to file the suit? Fuck you! Falsely arrested and need ADEQUATE representation? Fuck you; take what we give you, and be happy for it! Want REAL justice? Fuck you, get a REAL job!"

Am I paranoid? Just cynical? Lose your insurance & get sick. I dare you. Prove me wrong. Have some sweaty, greasy, little predator (henceforth known as ’Skippy’) find that loophole and fire you when your body makes it impossible to work.

Talk to Kim. Is she paranoid?

Talk to Pat. Is he just cynical?
Talk to my 70- year old mother.

Talk to any one of the millions just like them. Are they ALL paranoid? Or just... whiney?

Justice may be blind; that bitch sure can count.

*** END RANT ADVISORY *** Brought to you by Blue Cross/ Blue Shield

The Disability appeals process is still going on, and Kim relocated to Nashville early this year simply because she wanted to; she has had a bit of an awakening. Somewhere along the line, after all of the health problems, and fighting this ‘system’ to get what her taxes legitimately SHOULD have provided her in order to SURVIVE with a shred of dignity, she has realized what’s important. She has decided to ENJOY life. She wanted to live here, so she is.

Kim is doing her best to make the most of what she has. She has pointed out, and it is obvious, that she is one unlucky- hiccup away from being homeless. She was lucky to find a friend who lets her stay and works as much as she can, serving at Red Robin again, although working more than two days in a row is nearly impossible. These are not the only health problems that she has had, but this is enough for this space.

After a bit of reflection, everything has became a bit clearer. How EVERYTHING seems to be connecting. I’m beginning to see, and more importantly UNDERSTAND the patterns of these ‘coincidences’, inner- turmoil, disgust, the intense and long- term allergic reactions I have always felt toward illegitimate, assumed authority (both moral and otherwise) AND how these things seem to dovetail with some of the experiences I have had; the people I continue to meet and connect with. The conversations I continue to have with people who actually have something important to add to this tapestry.

Yes, I was indeed supposed to come here. I just do not have any clue as to what I am supposed to DO with all of this! I sense that it is all tying together; even the stuff I cannot talk about here. Rest assured, you will most definitely hear about THAT… eventually.

Later Thursday night we chatted over a few more drinks after we got to their place. It was amazing in that, as different as we may have been 14- years ago, how similar we have become and for completely different reasons. It seems to be truth: Though the rivers change course sometimes, they, ultimately, do reach the sea… if you are willing, or forced, to follow them.