I'm almost overwhelmed! I've been back from North Carolina, for four days and am still trying to process everything. Things are drastically changing. I had all but decided to take off for North Carolina, but suddenly the vibe with Sarah is different. Hurricane Katrina decimated New Orleans last week, and the news has been dominated by it and the federal government's pathetic response. I'm thinking about going to Louisiana or Mississippi to volunteer. I'm down to just under three weeks at the ballpark, have some cash, and want to use it for something productive. Another option: getting the Greyhound 60-day pass.
Denver's lost its shine. Saw black teenage girl verbally assaulting an older white man down on 16th St. the other night, throwing every racist epithet she could think of at the old coot--who made the mistake of saying hello to her. Disgusting. It disturbed me. Nothing is doing anything for me today. Did go to the Museum, and my hangover decided to come along too. Went to the bar Friday, Saturday, and last night to celebrate and take advantage of Labor Day (today). My time in North Carolina led me to wonder rather ignoring my little drunk was part of the problem, as though maybe I'm suppressing something important, but the nights out this weekend were not all that great. Met Maggie at Charlie Brown's, also a Brian, who was from New Orleans. Likable, but despite that-pretty much an asshole.
My entire focus when I'm out is finding a connection. It's almost an obsession. I'm sending some seriously bad karma out there right now, I suspect. Finding those people gets me off. It's my "hole." What I'm missing. Meaningful relationships. Someone to make me feel complete. Whole. I've always known that; it's my quest since I'm a little kid. I pray that I can fill it someday. I'll never be settled until I find it.
What should I do? Leave? Stay? Wait? Go where? Interesting how my focus changes periodically. Since Arizona, I haven't had the hunger for knowledge. It's become a hunt for experience. Things seemed so clear on the train.
Laina and I talked for hours since I've gotten back, and yes--things seemed to make a certain sense during [those talks]. She really wants to make this work. I sense that she's afraid we won't have another chance. My feelings are that of still searching. Perpetual searching for pieces to complete my personal puzzle. I found bits and pieces. Significant things. My mind is really changing at a rapid pace. Hard to keep up. Turtle and [another] Todd were on the bus east for a reason. I wish I could explain why. Unbearable dissatisfaction and feeling as though my life is out of sync. It is. What do I want? How I get there? Synchronicity. I need it. My mind is racing...
Travel stories and the occasional rantings of an evolving cynic who's simply in search of a little human authenticity. Tales include hitching across the Rockies with an eventual cop-killer, a weekend with a terminally-ill billionaire, meeting my siblings for the first time, trips to Mexico, and scores of random people from Mass.-Slab City-Chiapas who are often even more interesting...for better or worse!
