This entry is from Wednesday, August 18, 2004. Considering it's only the second attempt at stream-of-consciousness, it's pretty remarkable how quickly I seemed to have been drawn to my focus. There are the seeds to many major themes even here, although I had no way of knowing it at the time. It's clear, in retrospect, how close to the surface many of these ideas were (underlined), but for whatever reason, were inaccessible before the pen. Though radio was still front and center in my mind, it didn't take long, as you'll see, to get an inkling of where I was going...eventually.
The song of the day is Plowed
. I wake up every day with a song in my head, usually from a dream I've had. Does that mean anything? Who knows. My arm hurts from pitching, hope the $190 radar gun wasn't stupid (it was!
). I'll enjoy it. Blank--waiting for caffeine to kick in. I love Cherry Coke. "I Miss Mayberry, sitting on the porch sipping ice cold Cherry Coke!
" Ha! My sense of humor is cheesy. Oh well, entertains me. We have some pretty good cats. Glad we got both of them. Wouldn't trade them. Wonder if that means I want a kid. I know I do, but part of me knows better. Blank again. I feel strangely undisturbed today. Wonder if that has anything to do with this? I need to stick with this stuff. Self-improvement is a wonderful thing. Wish I could connect with people a little better. Used to do that, but hardly ever sense radio. Why? Is it because Todd Thompson is one-dimensional? With no depth? Todd v. has several levels, but sometimes I wonder if Thompson has him in a cage. He gets out and roars when I drink. He can be dangerous! And I am a maniac?!? That's probably a case study in some sort of illness. But, it's good to think about stuff like that. Radio people usually hold nothing for me, and vice versa. This is hard to do with Laina at home. Feels like I need to hide all of this, she may think it's stupid. Avoid showing a sensitive side. Fear of ridicule. I know that's the root of many things. I had made friends with that once upon a time. Todd v. had anyhow. Thompson is a little oversensitive to it. Todd v. drugged it. TT hides from it. Do I really have an alter ego? Of course I do! I used to love that idea. A new person who can be whoever I want him to be! What a crock. Pretending to be someone else when I can't even be myself. One aspect of myself is the core who is suppressed still.
Maybe he is the one that likes to be alone, and feels safe isolated from the world, where he can just "be." Or, maybe that's the sensor, who keeps LT quiet by saying no one can attack you here. You are safe with me, no one here but "us chickens!
" Less stress, less fear and anxiety. No need to put up the fronts when I'm alone. Just me and LT. But LT needs approval too. Validation. He can't get it alone. He gets restless. Bored. Looks for diversions. Games, books, learning. He likes to learn. He always has. History. Biographies. Motivational stories. He seeks answers. Answers to what? How to live his life. Its direction. He's always been lost. He knows he's supposed to do something; but what? Something positive, and something important. He had a high value of self-worth, but feels he needs to hide it from people. It's a secret.
He may be a narcissist. He likely is. Why? Mom did a wonderful job with him early on. XX tried to sabotage it, but she was too late. Her abortion attempt was "past the first trimester." So, he hid. Waiting for enlightenment that someone is destined to provide. But who? When? Ever? They say it comes from within
? Politics? Social issues? Radio? He is trying to speak through TT? He can't. He's muzzled. Job dissatisfaction. Anger. Frustration. Recklessness. "Look at me, you idiot!
" Social stuff. Helping people. Leading the sheep home. Providing direction to the lost. Doing for others, what wasn't done for me.
Charity. Grace towards others. Why? Because they need it. I feel compelled to provide. Obligated. LT. He's always been there. Screaming at me, "Dammit, I know the way! Follow me! Believe in me, the way deep down I believe in me! Validate me. Let me lead you home. Jump on my back, the weight will only strengthen me. Learn. Know. Lead.
" [but, where?] Radio is my medium. But what is the promised land? Where do I take people? Do I even know? These pages are good! Politics? Not Republican or Democrat. Social direction? Liberal talk? Independent talk? Agnostic talk? Art Bell? A combination. I like: history, theory, dissecting spin and propaganda, critical thought; connecting today with yesterday, music. Radio show? Free-form? Talk? I have the tools in this room. What to do? Am I close to something? Feels like it... for now. Where do I take this? Downside after the crescendo. Talk or music. I think both! There are no rules!
Make your own. Be bold, be brave. Lead! You know, you're right. Engage!! Unblock and create!