"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

8/17/04: A Birth

This entry is from Tuesday, August 17, 2004. This is the very first entry, and what I consider the very beginning of...whatever this is. It is a stream-of-consciousness exercise taken literally, so therefore it is self-serving, egocentric, rambling, makes very little sense...and is priceless to me! Be gentle in your judgment!
-x 1/20/10

Stream of consciousness, eh? Three pages of pure thought? Frightening. I'm tired, waiting for caffeine to kick in. I wish I could function without it. Got Patsy Cline song in my head -- Back in Baby's Arms. What a cheesy song. Love how Tarantino made it work in Natural Born Killers. Why didn't I abbreviate that? Am I going to be able to do this every day? Three pages seems like a lot, and my hand hurts already! Get to work for KM again Thursday. My handwriting sucks! It used to be a lot better. Is that a skill that you can lose if you don't use it? Pages -- Got Me Thinking about The Celestine Prophecy book. Maybe I should reread that. Sitting on the couch in Des Moines, another time I had "found enlightenment." Damn song keeps popping in and out . Should I start WinAmp? Feeling clear. This isn't so bad. Need discipline, and a new hand! God, ain't I funny? Always trying to amuse myself. How long until AR makes the page? Stomach hurts now! Coincidence? There's this song again. Can't stay focused -- curse of my life! Ow! Quit hurting, so I can wait for the Inspiration According to Todd to show up. BLANK! Here's the song again. No TV, easier than I thought, should I try again? Maybe read? Quiet in here. Peaceful, tranquil. Like a haven. Will anyone ever read this? Will they think I'm nuts? Full of myself? Read the chicken scratch?!? HA! Reminds me of mom. More and more. Two gray hairs. Not too concerned. Aging okay, better than I thought. 30 was funny. 9/11, RKR, JD, MM, going to work every day. Did 9/11 change me? Worth looking into. On the surface it may appear that way. 9/11 tribute. What was that? Why did I do it? Therapeutic? A way to express something? God's creative "Flow?" What was it? Is that the epitome of my career? Will I ever be a good person to work with/be around? So much uncertainty! Why? Why am I always analyzing? Is that bad? Self-destructive. XX seems to be able to handle people. I admire and and jealous of him. Will I ever emotionally connect with anyone? Wonder if I ever have. There is AR! I did with her. We wouldn't have worked together. Remember the balloon festival? Back and forth. Got along with her mom. Our fathers: that was the heart of it. Getting somewhere with that. Almost glad I never called her. Maybe she's realized all this too? I wonder if she's happy. I hope so. "I miss my friend!" I miss friends.; but only for selfish reasons. What they did for me emotionally. I like solitude. That book makes me think I'm not all that odd. Not supposed to reread this. Will, I anyhow? I hope not. Need to work on self-discipline. I like reading. New ideas are fun to chew on. Brain is thirsty. Block? Do I need to continue to stimulate the brain? Thinking about whether that's why I drink. Same feelings? Expression! Easier to express thought. That seems stupid! The brain is the same sober. Self-doubt, esteem. Need an outlet. Writing. This? Mom. Needs an outlet; or just an out. Twinge of guilt. Do I owe her? Who am I responsible for first? Always me first. No one else puts me first. That feels selfish. It is. Self-involvement. Artist child crying. "LT" crying. Self-pity. Deserved to degree. Anger. Lash out at something I can't get to. Frustration, anger. Vicious circle. Stop? How? Habit. Self-serving, yet self-destructive. Ironic. Breakthrough? Maybe, but not something new. Always fighting this battle. Push people away. Walls. Like South Park. Ha! "Tear down my shitty walls!" This is easy... kind of fun, therapeutic. Dreams have been strange, LT wants attention. He's getting it. Don -- thanks mom! What a dick. Damage. He's my male influence? Yikes. Good or bad? Both. That period shaped me. Do I like me? Some parts. A lot of parts. Why don't others? Or do they? They don't know "me." Won't let them. Who cares now. Almost done. Let's see how this works today. Good start to a day.

Think I'll be back tomorrow...