"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

8/31/05: Amtrak 2-Hurricanes Both Real & Imagined

Training now thru Iowa toward Nebraska; I'm sick of this part of the country. I'm a bit unnerved tonight. Not bad, but starting to sense and put a face on the impending storm, and don't want this trip to end. The train caught the remnants of Hurricane Katrina early this morning, somewhere between Erie & Cleveland. Whatever was left couldn't have been too bad; I only woke up for a second.

I'm not looking forward to Denver, and I'm afraid I'm also set up for a really big let-down in North Carolina. Either housing won't come thru, or some other shoe will drop. That's my old thinking of course, but fell like I should consider it. I feel energized when I think of the potential adventures but it's still merely and idea; not yet fact. I believe that's why I'm dreading Denver: It's about to become fact, or I'll back down again.

What have I gained from the last two-days [on the train]? The reflection and realization that there ARE people out there who ARE peers. And, my thoughts of returning to my relationship are of dread. To continue seems pointless. Where would we be going? Toward what? More of the same. All the rationale for staying lies on the foundation of me changing myself. "Change" is guaranteed, but not of the variety needed! The more I try to comply and conform, the angrier I become. My identity: I want to redefine and reclaim it. Gotta go: every time I leave, I feel that.

For the last 48-hours, I've been telling myself that I'm going to do this when I get back, and not only for me, but to spare her further misery as well. I suppose I should take a deep breath when I get home, relax, and re-assess things. Not sure what, other than catastrophic failure somewhere, could change this.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

8/30/05: Upstate, NY-Amtrak 1

Between Syracuse & Rochester, New York

On the train, still processing everything that's happened over the past six-days. I've had an number of the "here I am" moments, most strikingly in Nashville. More today in New York City, then further up the Hudson River. This trip will be one of my fondest memories; exceeded all expectations. I have all but decided to pursue Asheville for at least the winter if I can put it all together. Everything points that way. Every practical angle. I just cannot see myself remaining in Denver, although returning next spring is possible. My only concern is that of perspective. Returning and re-entering the rut. AGAIN, something awoke on this trip. Something dormant, and it was easier this time. Is that the draw? Knowing that something that is dormant is desperately needed?

I'm enjoying the train ride. Seeking out, or at least looking for people; peers/comrades. Like minded folks. People to learn from. Someone to add something. Living life; not letting it pass. "Everything works out." Lessons? Many. Of this trip in particular? Not sure I can verbalize. One possible Celestine Prophecy example: a woman in the lounge car. I came down here hoping to meet and chat with her. I didn't. I instead ignored her in favor of my writing! What if I had done that with Sarah? None of this happens. Each person in a potential portal to something great. I'm slowly learning this, and realizing/remembering that the general good in people always outweighs the bad. Even my examples of "bad" have either taught me something, or led to other people. Danny, for example and by default (and after a degree or two of separation) led me here. Where else? North Carolina? I am indeed at a wonderful crossroad. I have to protect against old thinking, and the return of fear. Put the lessons to work, rather than learning them in theory only. The next 36-hours [on the train] need to be used to bolster my confidence & resolve. That HAS to come from me-no one else. Start within, and all that jazz. Map your own path.

Always answering my own questions....

Saturday, August 27, 2005

8/27/05: Asheville, NC-On Letting Go

Day two [at Sarah's] in Asheville. Looking out the window, I ask myself, "how did I get here?" Is as though I'm more of a passenger on a journey now. I've let go to a degree; a great degree.

I told Laina today that when I take these trips, something seems to reawaken. It's something that I can't integrate into normal life; at least my life in Denver. I keep meeting some of the greatest people... Dan, Turtle, [another] Todd, Dutch, Annie-how many more? Laina quite rightly pointed out that this is what "gets me off." Indeed. I like the idea and the practice of throwing my life to the wind. Letting chance to its worst, and then picking up the pieces. Am I subconsciously moving toward something? Sure feels that way! Celestine Prophecy re: the idea of "coincidence." I believe less in "coincidence" everyday.

Just letting go. What would I be holding on to? Fears. Self-consciousness. That's slowly going away. Not completely. Letting go. Giving way. to forces greater than myself. Cosmic energy. Human energy. Organic. I'm starting to identify with that idea more & more, and it seems to be working. Not sure how to increase its usefulness nor understand it. I'll keep trying; quit thinking. Just follow my senses. I was right to come here. I know that now.

There's still something unnerving about all of this. A twinge of, "What if you're wrong?" I may be. I don't know what the future has in store for me. Maybe something great? I hope so, but if not-that's okay but the future feels as though it just got brighter. I wonder if these visions I get when I think about courses taken mean anything. Of course they do. Always have. I've simply never had the courage or self-confidence to believe in them. Embrace them. Is this where the path chosen a year ago was leading all along? Seems obvious right now. Have I finally broken out of this trance?