"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Thursday, June 5, 2008

6/5/08: Santa Fe-Metaphorical Whirlpool

Ever get that feeling as though something is bound to your leg dragging you to the bottom of a lake? Santa Fe feels that way, much the same way home did 11 years ago. It's a very difficult place to escape from once it has you in it's grip.

I really intended to leave yesterday, and was packed to do so, but circumstances here are a bit--tense. Laina is moving on the 15th, and she's had a harder time than imagined finding a place to move TO, and even getting some of the idiots that live here to even return phone calls...on their own rentals! I essentially didn't know what I was returning to. So I've gotten involved in helping her find a place, pack, and dealing with others complacency. Not how I pictured my week going.

Something I've never been able to grasp: the "Land of Manana" thing; procrastination on steroids. It's initially quaint. Then infuriating. Especially when you're actually trying to get something done. That's why it took 3 weeks to get phone service in Taos, 5 weeks for (crappy) Internet, why our land-line went out every time it rained and no one from Qwest would bother to do anything about it until it began making phantom 911 calls (we canceled service), and on and on.

But it looks as though I'll be setting off soon. By Sunday. Every thing's still packed and waiting, and the positive aspect of this little sojourn is that I've reinforced my attitudes and my motivation is higher than ever, although of course I'm fighting the 'comfortability' of familiar surroundings.

Time to vent.

I've gotten emails from a few people who have chastised me for coming back here so soon. Remember, however, how easy it is to judge some one else's actions wile sitting in your own comfy chair! It's obvious that to some people this is reality TV, and I get that. However, this isn't fabricated drama written to increase viewership or solely provide entertainment. If I wanted to keep producing that shit, I'd have stayed in radio and be eating much better!

The tricky thing about publicly documenting this is that you have to be careful whose insight you value and learn to take the opinions of the others with a smile. I always ask myself how much the 'Reality Show Couch Critics' are putting out there, and rather they'd welcome the same type of critique in their own lives if their ideas were laid open for the world to see.

No. Of course not! They be indignant! It's easy to criticize someone else's work when you're doing none of your own, eh?

I saw this coming because Chris went through similar stuff on his trip. It's the problem with the anonymity of email and the illusion that you're reading some fictitious travel novel, or watching some fluff piece on the Travel Channel. I welcome opinions, don't get me wrong. But, I'd encourage you to offer something personal from your own life up for critique if you presume to dissect mine. Or at least be constructive and offer some original insight as a companion to 'opinion'.

Feeling a bit defensive today, ain't I?

On that note, I REALLY should have left early Monday morning!

I've had a chance to contemplate a lot of things over the past few days through the "Sweet Perspective of Melancholy". (How dramatic!) It's pretty apparent to me that, despite what YOU may think about my Interlude, this trip is going to define much more than I even realized--and this is a big part of it.

The prospects of returning to Santa Fe after this is 'done' seem smaller than before. Laina's adapting to and preparing herself for that; something I sensed even before I left Denver the first time. No one can blame her for that, and I'm GLAD she is! She's growing roots into the High Desert, and it seems as though mine are slowly being pulled from among the sage. She says that she noticed the 'feeling alive' part (previous post) of my short little adventure so far, and she expects this to last much longer than we'd discussed, or I even expected.

This coming from the woman who saw my Epic Bike Tour last 3 days! And most of the other plans I've made over the past 4 years fall to oblivion.

She also seems to think that in the end I'll return to Denver, while she has NO intention of leaving here. I want to argue, and I rightly point out, that nothings been decided but my contradictory arguments are prefaced with: 'You may be right--I've thought about that'.

Sometimes people just grow apart, and the realization that you want different things is tough to digest, especially after seven years. I'm afraid that this may be exactly what's happening, and this is the crescendo of our personal overture that's been building since August, 2004.

"I told you!!"

Shut the hell up. Or I'm coming to live with you and I'll offer uninformed commentary on what YOU should do!

But, things can change. I've been a testament to that gospel many times since 5/20.

If this does happen, and we go our separate ways, I'm glad it was done in the right way. Not out of anger which is usually the case, but out of a mutual respect for what each other wants out of life and what we believe their lives should mean. We both want what's best for the other person AND ourselves. For that I'm glad. Now we'll see how this plays out indefinitely...

As for the next chapter on the road, I've begun to consider going east again...WAY East. Florida. US 17 is a great road in E. Georgia and S. Carolina that's runs closely to US 1, which takes you all the way through Maine. Then there's New Hampshire/Vermont and a road that runs along the Hudson River into Mass. Then maybe Chris's friend Gus could be added to my ever-growing yet nonexistent list. I believe I'll probably figure out a way to get to I-40, and take stock and follow my Indian name I was given while, of all things, I was working as a carnie: Runs With the Wind.

What a great story that was...maybe I'll pass it along sometime. I mean really, how many of you have had a spiritual experience as a traveling carnival worker in New Orleans?

Anyone? Anyone? Dyson? Anyone?