"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

8/31/05: Amtrak 2-Hurricanes Both Real & Imagined

Training now thru Iowa toward Nebraska; I'm sick of this part of the country. I'm a bit unnerved tonight. Not bad, but starting to sense and put a face on the impending storm, and don't want this trip to end. The train caught the remnants of Hurricane Katrina early this morning, somewhere between Erie & Cleveland. Whatever was left couldn't have been too bad; I only woke up for a second.

I'm not looking forward to Denver, and I'm afraid I'm also set up for a really big let-down in North Carolina. Either housing won't come thru, or some other shoe will drop. That's my old thinking of course, but fell like I should consider it. I feel energized when I think of the potential adventures but it's still merely and idea; not yet fact. I believe that's why I'm dreading Denver: It's about to become fact, or I'll back down again.

What have I gained from the last two-days [on the train]? The reflection and realization that there ARE people out there who ARE peers. And, my thoughts of returning to my relationship are of dread. To continue seems pointless. Where would we be going? Toward what? More of the same. All the rationale for staying lies on the foundation of me changing myself. "Change" is guaranteed, but not of the variety needed! The more I try to comply and conform, the angrier I become. My identity: I want to redefine and reclaim it. Gotta go: every time I leave, I feel that.

For the last 48-hours, I've been telling myself that I'm going to do this when I get back, and not only for me, but to spare her further misery as well. I suppose I should take a deep breath when I get home, relax, and re-assess things. Not sure what, other than catastrophic failure somewhere, could change this.