"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Saturday, August 27, 2005

8/27/05: Asheville, NC-On Letting Go

Day two [at Sarah's] in Asheville. Looking out the window, I ask myself, "how did I get here?" Is as though I'm more of a passenger on a journey now. I've let go to a degree; a great degree.

I told Laina today that when I take these trips, something seems to reawaken. It's something that I can't integrate into normal life; at least my life in Denver. I keep meeting some of the greatest people... Dan, Turtle, [another] Todd, Dutch, Annie-how many more? Laina quite rightly pointed out that this is what "gets me off." Indeed. I like the idea and the practice of throwing my life to the wind. Letting chance to its worst, and then picking up the pieces. Am I subconsciously moving toward something? Sure feels that way! Celestine Prophecy re: the idea of "coincidence." I believe less in "coincidence" everyday.

Just letting go. What would I be holding on to? Fears. Self-consciousness. That's slowly going away. Not completely. Letting go. Giving way to forces greater than myself. Cosmic energy. Human energy. Organic. I'm starting to identify with that idea more & more and it seems to be working. Not sure how to increase its usefulness nor understand it. I'll keep trying; quit thinking. Just follow my senses. I was right to come here. I know that now.

There's still something unnerving about all of this. A twinge of, "What if you're wrong?" I may be. I don't know what the future has in store for me. Maybe something great? I hope so, but if not-that's okay but the future feels as though it just got brighter. I wonder if these visions I get when I think about courses taken mean anything. Of course they do. Always have. I've simply never had the courage or self-confidence to believe in them. Embrace them. Is this where the path chosen a year ago was leading all along? Seems obvious right now. Have I finally broken out of this trance?