"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

9/13/05: Denver-Facing a Dragon

The writing exercises have not been as enlightening as they once were. Maybe it's because the time for speculation has passed.

I bought the sleeping bag and a backpack last night at the Coleman outlet store in Castle Rock. I really can't justify not doing something now. I'm a bit frightened and feeling unprepared. The conversation with my mother on Friday has added something to the mix. Again, it's shined a light on something. That old missing chunk of me. Trying to fill that fucking hole! Society can't do it for me. It's an internal/spiritual thing. I need to find or create the filler myself.

It dawned on me today that I have always wondered why she was so concerned with everyone else while she herself "suffered." Maybe she came to the same conclusions I'm coming to following Katrina. She did understand where I was coming from in wanting to go. It appears that she's chosen to fill her void with God. I will be the last to try to take that away. That would be the height of evil. I hope she finds peace. I was bothered by the " failure as a mother" line. She didn't fail; besides, she was sabotaged. I accept that I was lucky personally. (Ward) is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is unable to transcend his own pain, even if it affects and hurts his own children. "Don't commit the sins of the father" the saying goes.

So, now it's back to the present. I know, and have known all along, what I need. Fulfillment. Knowing who I am and I'm now learning that from scratch. Ward could provide some of that, and by all rights should. Should or not, he just won't. My personal quest must continue and will do so without preconceived notions from "out there." My life is officially mine. All mine. No one else holds influence. I've pledged to stop living it for imaginary approval. That approval will come from within. I'm internalized anyhow, so you would think that killing this unnatural need for outside approval would be easy!

Maybe I should begin to think that everyone else is like a member of Ward's family? I can't do that, and if I did it would be false. I must strive to be genuine. Unfiltered truth. It always comes back to that. The single most significant idea is truth. Displaying it. Speaking it. Trying to live it despite confusion. I often know the truth, and sometimes let it do battle with my rationalizations anyhow. I will begin to conquer that. Rationalization: nothing more than internal "spin."

Okay... so maybe the writing does help a little.