"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Thursday, September 15, 2005

9/15/05: Hurricanes, Whoring, & Buddha

I saw Anthony Hopkins on Conan tonight. Very poignant at this point in time. He was talking about feeling "Zen." How when he quit trying to control everything, things seemed to flow for him. He realized that later in life, and just let things happen. That felt right. I've been trying to control and analyze everything. It occurred to me that during my trips this year, I had done exactly that. I had let go and was just reacting to events and living in the moment. Trying to feel everything and experience whatever life decided to throw at me. Letting go. Relinquish control. I'm far from qualified to control life anyhow! Let life, God, consciousness...whatever...lead me. Wherever.

New Orleans, Slidell, Baton Rouge, Biloxi? That's the direction things are going, although dealing with the Red Cross and these fucking church groups is pissing me off. Why is it so hard to...HELP? I thought couple weeks ago it was North Carolina, but things haven't played out. Katrina hit and I sniffed purpose. I've used that word 1000 times over the last 13 months and maybe the problem is that I'm seeking purpose through the wrong channels. Work? Others? I'll be hard-pressed to find purpose in a "job." Going to work doing something meaningless...just for a paycheck. Whore! That one particular day at 99Rock was beautiful! I came to realize exactly what hookers feel like! I'll not be a whore.

Zen? Let go? Why not! I've tried almost everything else. Six-month trial? I'll come back next summer. Overall, I've enjoyed Denver this year. Coors Field and playing baseball. I'll keep plugging along and let fate decide where I'll end up. Maybe if no one helps me on the volunteer end, I should hop on the Greyhound? Greyhound a shorter time wise and safer.

Laina and I are heading off camping down toward the Royal Gorge later this morning. I think I'll try to keep this little metaphysical sliver in mind this weekend. I'm trying to force, or work toward clarity. It is not working. Maybe it is, but not fast enough. My writing steers me in certain directions, but my experiences are what's really shaping me. This weekend will be a nice case study. I'll pay attention to how I feel.

I'm a bit weary. Need stimuli. I should be reading. I never did get to the library to get that book on Buddhism. I keep hearing things that are drawing me. A "calling" comes to mind, but want to avoid that word. I'd like to learn a bit more and see if it fits. Am I seeking religion? No, just answers. Maybe formulas that will put my mind at ease and help me find contentment and a purpose. Maybe I’ll take my Buddhism books down south. Yeah! Rednecks will love that! Off to the woods we go...