"The world does not reward honesty and independence, it rewards obedience and service. It’s a world of concentrated power, and those who have power are not going to reward people who question that power."-Chomsky

"The trouble with self-delusion, either in a person or a society, is that reality doesn't care what anybody believes, or what story they put out. Reality doesn't "spin." Reality does not have a self-image problem. Reality does not yield its workings to self-esteem management." -J.H. Kunstler

"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."-Dylan

Monday, September 19, 2005

9/19/05: Denver-Fuck the Institutions

11:48 am: Well, here it is: 29 again. As with 29, I didn't wake up feeling like I needed a walker. I feel the same as I did yesterday. Go figure...

The camping trip was good. It felt good to get away. I tried to just let things happen, and although I felt my control mechanism kick in a few times, for the most part I did. Conscious awakening. I'm intrigued. I feel something like that. Is that what I'm tapping into when I leave? I love the idea, and always have wondered what it is that I [have always felt]. I know there's something driving me, just unable to recognize it fully. A feeling that I'm not in sync with it. That's what started this whole damn thing last year. What a process, and what journey it's sent me on. What a year!

At this time in 2004, I was chatting with the annoying chick in Santa Fe [telling me about the city]. Wheels were turning, and the stone had just begun to roll. Hurricane Ivan was a year ago last week. The meltdown in our bedroom. Unbearable frustration. I, at that moment, embraced something. I let go to a degree. At the same time, relinquished control and took responsibility the best I knew how. Took responsibility for my own happiness. After Santa Fe, Taos, and now Denver, I'm entering yet another phase. I must let go again. Trust in fate and that the answer will present itself. I believe it will, although I'm worried that it's another "process of elimination." situation. I should seek out more people who think as I do, and exchange ideas and experiences. Consciousness. By definition: waking up.

So, here I am. Standing, almost literally, at a crossroad. The Celestine Prophecy suggests listening to your inner compass when faced with a fork in the road. I will put that to practice. Biloxi Mississippi? Sounds that way. I would like to help animals. Also, but I'll go where I'm drawn. Hilltop Rescue seems a bit too faith-based for my tastes. I have problems with organizations stipulating that "God" must come along with the relief efforts. Why? Quit beating your Bible on your chests and just help!

**Millions of people like me are just wanting to help pick up the pieces, yet no one seems to want to let us. Red tape. Bureaucracy. Crusades. Agendas. No! I reject that. I will go, and perhaps learn a bit about how this itself can be improved. I know the human spirit is alive and well; thriving. People are searching. They feel it. I feel it. Yet every "faith-based" or government organization/corporate charity either wants them to jump into their ideological camp, or to just cough up money.**

Money alone won't solve this problem, unless you consider Halliburton the only solution. Let the people help rebuild New Orleans, and watch what happens. I envision a million people -- volunteers -- who would descend upon the area only because they know they have to do something. Why? In reality, they don't. They could sit at home, watch CNN or HBO (as I am this week), go to their cushy little jobs... maybe even write a check to wash their hands of it. Yet, it seems that untold numbers of us are drawn to Biloxi, Gulfport, or New Orleans with nothing more offered them than the vision of helping. Craigslist is busting with people trying to help.

**Maybe...just maybe...Katrina, along with 9/11, is a catalyst. George Bush may have been put in office for a reason. To enrage us, and as a result, awaken us. I must explore this.

2:18 pm: I think I may book the ticket for Biloxi, or further discuss taking the Jeep down there. Hurricane Rita is brewing off of the Florida Keys. I still need gloves, steel toe boots, and the sleeping pad. All of this, however, will depend on how I'm going. If I drive I can take more shit, but more than likely it will be by bus. Networking may be possible on the bus, but by car, I could pre-network via the Internet. Things are coming together--finally. Fuck the organizations.